MIND LIKE WATER...
"Be water, my friend..."
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Comets colliding
Lately, I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of emotion. It’s crazy and it’s weird. I have a job now. I work at an acupuncture clinic near my parent’s house. I’ve been trying to fix myself and pick up the pieces. I’ve entered into a relationship that I never talk about. He’s that one amazing person that did it for me, but I’ve given too much to soon. We used to talk for hours and hours and it was like we are almost the same person inside. Although I know he does have feelings for me, I don’t where it’s going and how it’s going to end up. It drives me a little crazy sometimes and the world just keeps pulling people apart. Collide like comets and then part ways. It kind of hurts. There are things I want to say, but I don’t know how and I don’t know what to do except to just let it go for now. I tried to hard and held on too tight. Maybe he did too and felt pressured and strained. So I must ease up a bit and live my own life that I neglected.
I’ve beginning to get into the habit of sleeping on my chest and my stomach because makes me feel warmer inside. I used to pride myself in being alone all the time after all these years. If I felt like I wanted to cry, I sit by myself somewhere and sort myself out. Even if I needed help, I wouldn’t ask for it. I’m now just…confused about my emotions. Instead, I went the opposite direction. How did I come to this? I realized that nothing is working because I don’t trust myself enough. Despite telling myself that I’m “awesome,” I realized that I have some issues with self-hatred. Not that I don’t love myself, it’s just that I don’t love myself enough and that I need to love myself a little bit more. I wish Eli was here to help me out in this little bind I’m in. I guess I’m just not as strong as I thought I am.
Now that I’ve got things a little bit more straightened out, I could find ways to achieve my goals, whatever they are… They are all in a mess now. Just taking on step at a time and focus a little more on myself for a change. I’ve relied on others too much. I need to learn to let go. I’ve got it all going for me. I’ve finally got a means to pay for my education, I’ve got time, I’ve got my number one for now. I’ve come to terms with people drifing away. I’m alright if no one remembers who I am or if I’m just a blip in their busy lives…but why do I still hurt?
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poverty of a different kind
I used to think that I would be alright if I didn’t have the trouble of dealing with people so often. It seems that I’m not as introverted as I thought I was. In the western world, the greatest poverty is that we are isolated in many ways from friendship and/or good relationships with our own families. We see the world and the people in it as a dangerous place where everyone is self-serving and the only people that you can trust are you’re “blood relatives” as if blood is that important these days.
My mother had told me the other day along with how I was ungrateful, arrogant, and self-righteous, that no one is going to feed me or put a roof over my head and that the friends I talk to aren’t going to do anything for me like that. But then again, it’s not like we ever get along since we are completely different.
I guess I’m struck with this kind of poverty too. I remember back in the days when I felt down I wondered why I felt this way since I had no reason to. I had somewhere safe to sleep, food, water, clothing, education. I had everything I needed. Everything was provided, but I couldn’t understand why I felt so dark.
On days like these, I could really use a wish. Today feels a little dark even though it’s sunny outside.
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I can’t sleep…
When you really are in love with someone, but they live on the other side of the globe, you’d feel like your heart is being ripped from you sometimes. A missing part of you is on the other side of the world. And then you have all these doubts and fears of losing that person in a world where hardly anything lasts for long. People come and go. They collide like comets and go their separate ways after crashing. I don’t like to think about it, but it’s there in my mind. It’s like a bad dream that will end when we you’re finally with that person. It’s killing me and driving me insane. I wish I could fast forward time already.
He said that it’s like he’s waiting to finally live his life and for me. He also said that waiting is killing him as well. So basically, we are killing each other here, which is humorous, I suppose. I want to be there so badly. He’s my home. I’d do anything to hang with my favorite person in the world sooner. I figure that these are the things that we can’t take for granted. Once you find someone you really, really love you stick to them. In my experience, there aren’t many people like him and I probably will search a lifetime for a dude like him, but will never find another.
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Self Defeating thoughts
I realize that my downfall lies in self-defeating thoughts and past experiences where people say “i told you so” or “you’re going to regret that decision.” They keep coming back. I thought it was just my caution, but in actually, it’s really the damage that has been done to my mind over the years. Growing up, I’ve been taught and shown that fighting for that happiness leads to getting torn apart in the end. Not being able to pursue my childhood dream of mine was something that lead me to a year-long depression in which I didn’t eat or take care of myself as I should have (hence my weird bone deformity) leading to long term damage to my body. Over the years, that was basically my attitude for pretty much everything else in life and it’s detrimental to my self-development as an individual. It feeds my insecurity and destroys my confidence. It’s like a thorn in my brain. I keep second guessing everything. Even when it comes to those I love dearly even when there is no evidence that I’ll be betrayed, rejected, or abandoned. For a long time I trapped myself between four walls blocking out any and all social contact. I was running away from reality and began to seek comfort and security rather than happiness.
I need to learn to live with mistakes and failures. I can’t live in fear because that’s not living life. And I can’t live regretting my decisions all the time. Never regret your mistakes and the consequences because then you’ll never move on. How did I become so beaten down and so insecure like this? The cycle of self defeat keeps spinning in my mind and I must find a way to break it. I need to stop focusing on defeat and rather focus on success and build upon that. In everything that I had succeeded in, I didn’t look at my imperfection or my “failures” as merely failure. I looked upon what can be improved and what can be changed to make it greater and more brilliant than before. If I apply that mindset and attitude towards all aspects of my life, I’ll surely get far and feel empowered. I want to make that one special person proud and show how much I care. No way am I going to give up. I’ll make it up to him one day for all the days we missed. It hurts that I can’t be there and I’ll do anything to keep that happiness alive even if I have to give up everything so I won’t miss him. Life is short. Too short to be crying, to be afraid, or to be focusing on failure now. I’ve not begun my own life yet so I can’t give up now. I’ll show everyone that I’m not as helpless as they think. I’m fucking brilliant, just never had a chance to show it in my own way.
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Take A Leap
I saw this chart a while back and it showed how our current education system goes in a linear direction while technological advancement goes exponential rate. I feel like I have been fighting the system every day. It’s probably why i’m not going anywhere with my education. Staying here and playing it safe is not going to change much in my life. I’d have to do something about that. Something completely different from people’s expectations. Something a little bit more adventurous and self-defining. And I guess there are a lot of people like me who are afraid of failing and making mistakes than they are of dying. But if we are afraid to fail all the time, we don’t really go anywhere in life. Human beings progress, change, evolve because of our pioneering spirit to push into new frontiers whether it be social change, technology, science, space, our lives…etc.
I guess my point is that many of us young generation people need to question our old systems and the current ways of doing things. We need to empower ourselves to pursue our goals regardless if we fail or not. Our broken system has a way of tearing relationships with other people apart, isolating people, and destroying people inside. I’ve seen it first hand as a kid and I hate to see it win every time. I want to break away from old ways. Take a risk. Take a leap of faith into the unknown not knowing where it will lead me. Do the unexpected even though everyone keeps saying it’s impossible. They’ll be upset and I hope one day they will understand. I’d like to think that the conflict I have within me (the battle between what I want in life versus the world and the expectations of others) is just a growing pain that will eventually cease. It gives me a little more courage to face new situations. After I finally take that leap, perhaps I’ll be able to experience more from life in ways that I never thought I would experience. Perhaps I’d feel more alive and I’ll finally grow.
